Movies to Make Before I Die - List 5

10.) Koan: Not sure how I missed this one. This is actually inspired from Zen. Again, I mean my experience in gathering information about it, reading about it in books and web. Also, in a way trying to apply and see this wonderful and different dimension of looking at life or actually, should I say a Way of life?

Before I go the plot, Koan can be a story, statement, quote or even a question. The meaning of this cannot be understood through a rational process of thinking but maybe through your heart/inner feeling/intuition.

Now to the plot line... The basic thing is that the movie will consist of 2 major koans enacted... with many other various koans put together in between (but will never feel as if it is not connected to the movie) .

Since this is a Koan it will not have the realistic touch as all my other movies, but will have a fable-kind approach with an ode to the art of cinematogrophy. It will be long shots or wide range shoots of nature, hills (of course, in connection to the location of the scene). Between you and me, that will be my little koan implying that nature and life around us keeps happening... there are no questions, no clear cut rules... but just happening around as you sleep, cry thinking about a problem. Oops... This is a koan, I am not supposed to explain but you are supposed to get it, feel it.

The movie will start with a man who is a great sword fighter/martial arts expert/ kalaripayuttu expert. He visits different competitions and proves himself to be a great fighter. His son (10 years old) accompanies him everytime. During one of such competitions, he defeats a egoistic and probably, evil man. The Egoistic man is unable to take this and kills the great fighter in his sleep/ attacks suddenly/ keeps the son as hostage and fights and kills the man(which is witnessed by the son). The son vows to take revenge and sets out to prepare himself to be a fighter. And there starts the koans (they are borrowed/inspired and not my creations)...

The son remembers a friend of his father who teaches sword fighter/martial arts/kalaripayuttu. He visits him and informs that he wants to learn the art and also the objective for the same. The Master takes him in as a student but never really teaches him. He makes him do all the household work. 2 years pass by and the son has doubts if he will ever learn, but still thinks of persevering for some more time (since he knows how highly his father used to think about the Master). Then after the 3rd year or so, while he is doing his usual chores the Master attacks him, hits him... and this cycle continues. At first the son gets startled and then hurt. But as months and years goes by, he starts becoming more alert and is able to avoid the attacks and is also able to give some smack back. Then at the end of 5 years, the Master says that you are now qualified to a higher training and then gets into training with real weapons and moves.

After 5 more years, the son is about 20 years old. The master informs him that he is his best student but not sure if he was able to teach him the higher merits of the art. The son says he is al ready to fulfil his vow of seeking revenge. The Master does not say anything but then takes him to the nearby river and tells him to keep his feet on the water and keep it back on the ground. Then he tells him to do it again. This goes on and the Son knows that there is something to be learnt is unable to get it. The Master tells him that maybe he is not ready yet but there is always a time.

The son then goes on his voyage, from one competition to the another, enquiring about the egoistic fighter as well. It looks like he has completely disappeared but then during one of his visits to a village, he is informed of such a man' s presence in one of the hills who lives as a recluse.

Ok to cut a long story short, the Son meets the Egoistic guy... Tells him why he is here. The Egoistic man is not aggressive anymore and does not shy away as well, but asks for some more time as he is actually digging a tunnel/paving a better way through the hill so that the villagers can commute well (something he toook upon himself, probably to get rid of the bad karma he had accumulated). The son sees it as a noble effort and agrees. He also helps the man in making the tunnel/paving the way through the forest. Inbetween there are koans put in like, where a man will rob the egoistic man and the son sees it, awaiting for this fighter to fight back. But he sees that the egoistic man gives all the food and whatever money he had to the robber...

Then after the said deed is completed, the son reminds the egoistic man of the promise. The Egoistic man says that he too should be killed in the night and sends the son to get some food item he would like to eat before he dies. The son goes to the village market and on his way to the market and back, he is witness to Koan vignettes put togerther. He returns to the Egoistic mans place and says he understood what his Master was trying to teach him.

"The Master appears when the pupil is ready"

There is a very teeny weeny romantic angle (never allowed to take a center piece or on the screen for more than a minute). Actually there will be only 4 minutes dedicated to love so that there is a place where the Son can return to and share his new found wisdom and understanding of love. THE END.

Not all have a name...

The languages that we use are so often limited...
What is the word for the feeling that we have when we see a picture of our close ones or our beloved?
What is the word for those moments we spend with our friends walking, talking? Certainly not having fun, just chill... Atleast not me, as I think these moments are more deeper than "fun"/"Chill"...

And then when it comes to relationships... These are so tricky... I know I have been in love with 4 girls... And there have been instances of curiosity or infatuation...

And now there is someone right now... Although, it's got to do with affection and care, it is not love (I am so in love with my Lady, oh so bright)... Those joyful moments of watching movies together or cracking jokes... Just speaking to each other... There is little bit of wonder in that... Grateful to life to have been able to get to know a very pure heart, innocent soul... There is certainly no name for this relationship... There is no clear boundaries, but some affectionate thoughts... some caring gestures... I just hope to feel and live it as long as it lasts... What is the word for this feeling?

But yet again, who cares for the word... As always, I keep myself open to the wonders of heart... through which I feel my life and others... Keep dissolving in it's mysteries...

Movies to Make Before I die - List 4

I know that the earlier lists were not exactly lists but just 1 movie each... It's just that there was so much to write on all of them and it would have been a terribly long unreadable blog to include it all in 1 post...

4.) Fasting For Peace / Peaceful Poet / Iron Soul: A life bio-pic on 1 of my new found heroes.. Irom Sharmila... This lady has been on Fast for the last 9 years... We have an AFSPA act (which gives unbelievable amount of freedom and immunity to Army) in the North eastern states... She has been kept alive on the constant painful nasogastric intubation (filled with vitamins, minerals, laxatives, protein supplements and lentil soup) and in solitary confinement as a high security prisoner for almost ten years. The ritual of release and rearrest is still continuing.

5.) Milarepa: A life story of Tibet's most famous yogi.

6.) No Justice for All: Movie on 1984 Sikh Riots, aftermath, effect on people, apathy from Government.

7.) Sights of love: Just an autobigraphical movie on my own sights and moments of love...

8.) One among us: This will be a movie based on 3 main characters... Someone who follows and does the job he loves with family support... Someone who succumbs to routine normal life... Someone who is laidback but then gets inspired in... THE END.

9.) You and I: Just an everyday story of 1 mans journey from school to adolescence to adulthood to marriage to work and so on anf so forth... Will there be a hope in the ending? Will there be any regrets? THE END.

That's it folks... I know that these movies might not end up on a film... But just wanted them to be stored somewhere other than my heart.. Hence, published them here... Thanks for reading...

Movies to Make Before I Die - List 3

3.) Silence in the Market Place: Well.. The inspiration for this one is nothing but my own life... my own spiritual journey... some books I have read... my brother... After so many trips within, I still cannot find a way... I still cannot find that path which will take me to that eternal stillness that the great masters speak about... That silence...

As you would have probably got it... the world or the society or form of our civilisation that we are exposed to is so similar to a market place... So many things to see and use... So many chatter... So many temptations... So many noises... How does one find peace here? How does one find silence? So frustrated, 1 young man gets out to seek some solace.. some answers... Selling everything off... Full of grit to live on essentials... He goes to spiritual places, holy places... Meets interesting people... Hears them... Hears different ways to salvation... Then he experiments them on himself... But he still cannot find what he is looking for... He has answered the call of the forest... But yet... And then one day... He feels that after all these years, he still has many temptations to be conquered... So probably, running away from the marketplace might not be the answer... He needs to be in this world... but not of it.. and still, not in it.... He comes back again to start his journey again of finding silence in the marketplace... THE END.

Movies to make before I die - List 2

2. GREAT LITTLE WARRIOR: This is my first real movie so to speak... Yes... And there is no way I going to allow anyone else to play the protagonist in the movie but me... The story and character, the dream and it's pain, So close to my heart... Now to speak on a more general basis, I have seen so many movies on sports... I watch it with a little pain on my chest as it always reminds me of this age-old dream of mine of wanting to be a cricketer... I know I am not the most talented or anything... But still... That is where the heart is... I know I will be strugling for my livelihood... But if that was it, then so be it... Who am I, Who are we to say or judge "success"... And to express my view on sports movies again, there are all these real inspirational movies... Where it always predictably ends with an inspirational moment of joy... But I have to reiterate, those moments are real... But not the entire truth... Certainly, not the truth for the major portion of the people involved in the fields... Really, life for most of us is nothing but a few moments of joy... fewer moments of success... relatively more moments of missed opportunities.... There are a few laughs here and there... relatively more tears... and a lot of toil, hard work, frustration...

So here we have this young 18 year old kid... who leaves home to pursue his dream of being a cricketer... Slightly worldly-wise yet a lot naive... and the movie shows the journey of this guy... His moments of frustration... Hard work... missed opportunities... a few moments of joy and success... but never hits the big league... and there will be no picture perfect scene... or amazing background music... no inspirational/hopeful ending... just as our lives... THE END.

Movies to Make Before I Die - List 1

Sure you would have all seen a list of World's Greatest Movie or Movies to See Before you die list... But I just thought of creating this one... Probably an even more important list from a personal point of view... I am sure all of you have such lists... somewhere there in the back of your mind... In your heart... Yes, believe me when I say this... All movies are created there in your heart before you have a script, a screenplay, dialogues, etc...

Again, please believe me when I say that Movie making is the world's oldest occupation [not profession, but something that occupies your heart ;-) ]... Don't you think our forefathers would have woken up and imagined how the day would be... What will they hunt/forage... Yes, We all are movie makers in our own "little" right and space... Just like you would imagine how your day would be in the office or how you would spend the time with your love and so and so... It's just that it is not on a projector, that is all... Movies have been existing as early as mankind's first conquest over instinct...

Again before I go to the list... Let me express another point... Just to roughly quote Roger Ebert... We all are born actors, it's just that after some time, some really revel in it and others like us just do it on a daily basis, just enough to get through the moment...

So now going on to the list... Movie names followed by it's inspiration and thin plot descriptions...

1.) SEEKING: Something that I had always thought about... A movie about conversations... Conversations between 2 people... I know... I still remember thinking about this when I was in college or so... But Richard Linklater beat me to it... He made "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset" (Please watch it if you ever get a chance)... Seriously, in a funny way, if i ever have to venture out to make a movie, I will have to start with low budget and what else than capturing conversation between 2 people...

And yeah the plot goes on like this... You have a guy in his twenties, working and earning a decent living, but he feels and thinks deeply about his life, the world, the people around him more than many... This makes him feel a little emptiness... He envies those who never question the obvious and are so happy with their lives... and yes, he remembers that dream of his wanting to be come a teacher, still can feel the rage of wanting to make a difference...

Ohh yeah the usual, There is a girl... This effervescent... Lady so bright... So Free... who makes a living from singing in bars... Someone who has no inhibitions and no perceptions...

Yes, so they do meet and then they have a night full of conversations... Which is a journey, revisting thier lives... and yes... Are they seeking answers? or just someone who can listen to them... Who teaches whom... Do they find something in those conversations, in those moments spent together? Well, that is what the movie is about... THE END

Random thought

I remember a young man who was living a life of dreams…. What I mean is, that he believed in his dreams… Reality aside, he always thought that somehow it will all come true… that he will play cricket at the highest level, that he WILL make a difference to this world… and although he never really knew what to do but somehow he always dreamt about doing all this and also the calm and the serenity he would feel after fulfilling these…

No longer a young man, now… I see this man… Who knows what to do… but just at time does not have the courage to do so… Sometimes mocked upon when he says he would like to do something…

It is a sad state of life… some call it existential angst… But what is wrong in asking for something more in life… I do not have a job which is something that I really care about… How I wish I was doing something, something that I care… Which does not make me feel like just working for the weekend or going back home… Something that I look forward to… You give about 5 days of your life to something that you actually hate… Of course, you are empowered because of it to buy some luxuries, to not worry how you would pay for some bills but in the end no one can ever claim that the richest man is happiest man in the world… I am not speaking about contentment… But about receiving joy from your life… Feeling life as you live it and as not just days gone by… In the end, will I have anything to show against those dark circles and wrinkles and those lines on my face… Nope, nothing that I can think of…

I think of this man… Who did not want to be that guy wakes up every day, makes a living, some decent moments of joy, some pleasures here and there, lot of disappointments, some frustrations, and by the end of it all… just like a dry leaf… falls down… never really having the enjoyed the sun or the rain… never was able to feed a caterpillar… came and gone…

I envy those who never question the obvious.. and sometimes I feel it would be better to be one like them… oblivious to all this aspirations, immune to this pain that I feel… But alas…

Terrorism and Apathy

Just hought of penning/typing out some thoughts and feelings of 2 certain evils of our civilised world (if we can call the world so)...

What more can I say about Terrorism that is not already said... It is so difficult to fathom that there are individuals who think that they have the right to decide what is correct for the all and what is not... and they are God's chosen ones.. The one's bestowed with responsibilty to fight for that... So that women can always live in constant fear, hiding and slavery... So that men does not ever indulge into acts of music, art... So that tomorrows world is so poor.. Poor from lack of wonder and beauty... So that the world becomes nothing but a desert with some sad and not so colurful souls walk around and wait for death... How do these individuals even think that this is the ONLY way to being one with the supreme.. Such narrow-mindedness... As of now... They kill anyone and everyone just to be in the news.. Just to ensure that their presence is felt... The fear is out there... and their otherwise uneventful life has some adventure and meaning... Treating the rights of others without any care or consideration

Speaking of care.. Hmmm... Apathy... Isn't that spreading far across the world... Not sure which is more harmful... Because sometimes not taking an action is also sort of an action... Really, ask those millions of Africans getting killed in genocides in Rwanda, Darfur.. all the while wondering why their cries and howls are not heard by UN or US (who openly says that the whole third world is a White man's burden)... Ask those simple and moderate Muslims who has to stay in Pakistan... Innocent women and children and simple men of Kabul... Actually, no need to go out of our country... Just to go the our sisters in East and see the apathy towards them by our central and state governments... Democracy and government is a joke... Go to Tilak Vihar, Delhi and check about the justice they received for 1984 anti-sikh riots... Go to Godhra in Gujarat and ask about justice received... So many men being hit and bullied just because they are staying in Mumbai for their livelihood and just did a major crime of not speaking the local language...

Speaking about apathy.. and seeing that it is on a rise among today's youth.. I too am , probably, one of them... What is there that I can do other than write about it... Really, I mean to just say that I should vote and that could lead to change would be a big joke.. C'mon... How many politicians are there that you can admire... That you think really cares for what's happening in the country... All they are worried about is the polls and then after that, the next one... Sometimes I think it should be mandatory for everyone to join the Army for a year atleast... Maybe then people will realise how to care for the person next you... That is all...

With all the price that we are paying for civilisation like global warming, poverty, genocides, terrorism... to borrow a line from an article I read... The need for the hour is not a major change or shift in focus... But just a little extra care... If all of us could just care a little for the less fortunate among us... For the only one home that we all have (i.e. this planet, in case you did not get it) and if for once we can share a caring gesture or extend our arms like the geographic map of our country... Only if we could care a little more... Just a little...

Things to DO in this Life

1.) Learn filmmaking and make 1 short movie (do not care if it is public or private viewing)

2.) Direct 1 theatre show

3.) Learn 1 form of Martial Arts to a higher degree

4.) Learn Rock climbing and go on one short real hiking adventure/expedition once5.) Learn Yoga

6.) Live 2 weeks in Thiruvanna Malai or near Hindu/Buddhist Ashram in complete seclusion and isolation without any connection to anyone I know

7.) Attempt meditation

8.) Attempt at learning 1 Musical instrument (preferably violin)

9.) Meet 1 person who is enlightened

10.) Have a huge movie collection of all genres (classic, drama, stylish, gore, thriller, horror, war)

11.) Buy a camera, click whatever touches you on your journey (during daily travel)

12.) Publish book of my writings (poems, quote) and not care if anyone reads it

Just some scribblings

The weekend is here... Actually, the only 2 days I love... I hate my job... I really do... I try my best to wear as few masks but still have to... I am corrupted...

Sometime I go for a lonely walk after dinner... All by myself... See the people who are cribbing about work, the people they work with... Or one giving advise to the other... I keep reminding myself as to how much I do not belong to this place... Sure there is something better out there... Watched a Malayalm movie "Rapakkal"... which means Day and Night... Well... The main protagonist... His contented life... Working in the farm of the foster house... Working at their house... Loving his mom like anything... The movie always gives me a lump in my throat...

Once I went to enquire about Kalaripayyutu classes here in Bangalore... I went to the place... There was this man... Ranjan Mullaratt (hopefully the spelling is correct)... I did not join the class as I am also going to gym and cannot do both at the same time... But this man... Sitting with his laptop.. He has the whole floor with about 3 rooms for himself where he conducts classes... People like to meet genuises and successful people (anyway who am I, who are we to measure success and define it)... I like to meet people like him... He who has created a small world on his own... Might not have all the wits and knowledge of the world and how it runs... But CONTENT and HAPPY with what he does... Making a small living while making a GREAT life... That kind off made my day and I am happy that I met this man... And here I am... Making a good living with the intent of enjoying a good life while I am missing life... Every day I sit in my office.. Every second I speak to my manager and convincing myself of how important it is that we are here... How important it is that I am here... All when I know... That all that i see there and will get from there... is nothing but temporary... The firm has been there before me and will continue without me... Why Do I still convince myself that it is an important part of my life... That it is more important so that I miss my life... So much so that every day I wake up and I shrug and say "it's just whichever working day"... And still go and slog for all those precious hours of life

Will I ever be in a position in my life... When I get up and look forward to being awake... When I start getting a good nights sleep... and not regretting that one day in my life is just over and tomorrow will begin in a few hours to get wasted....

Chak De... Life!!!

Well... Just diverging out of the chidhood memory lane... Today I went for CHak De India at Inox... We had a movie like moment actually... I was unable to book through SMS on my mobile and hence, had told my friend to do it... So she received the confirmation message and then forwarded it to me.. then when i went along with my mom to the theatres... they did not accept it... they would only accept original messages and not downloaded messages... Then i got all angry... I demanded that i meet the manager or a superior... They let me in... and I was speaking to the incharge.. telling him this is insane... and all... I am telling him I am here with my mom and I do not want to go back dejected... I really want to do this... pls... and then a paradoxical statement "I am shouting at you but actually I am requesting you"... ha... then mom came inside and she was telling me to forget it... Maybe the guy saw my mom, realised I was genuine and he told me to come to the window and he will get me the tickets... and so i did and it was a noce one... My mom was so excited inside the theatre and she really liked the movie a lot... Well thanks to that gentleman... I had a nice time with my mom... thanks that he was a good man indeed....

So... Watching the movie... I normally watch these sport movies with a little lump in my throat... You know... As a 16 year old I had always wanted to be a cricketer... Yes people can say that it is what every other child says.. But maybe only I will understand what I used to feel when I used to play... I was never the best player around.. i don't know if I had any future at all if I had chosen the path... But I did not even dare to fail... I did not even enter the ground...

Only thing that I have against these great sports movies... I know they are supposed to be inspiring... But they seldom show what it really takes... That there is so much more than success and wins and recognition... There is so much struggle... They rarely ( i do not recollect if anyone knows such a movie pls let me know) show a movie on a sportsperson who was not skilled enough but loved the game like anything... Never progressed anywhere in the career but still had a great and meaningful life... Struggling to survive but happy in doing so... They will make the movies on the best but never any of the peers who too has played the game for so many years... not at the highest level... But the passion and love was always of the highest level... There is nothing more than one's own satisfaction and joy... Even in a team game...

Coming back to me... that is what I always picturised myself as... I always knew that I might never reach among the state teams (forget the national level)... but still I would be doing something that I like so much... that makes makes me feel so much... Can anyone else other than me see the inspiration in that... Living in the world as a failure in the eyes of the others while contented and happy in one's own eyes... Can anyone else other than me see the joy in that... the glory in that... Wow... For me they are heroes... If i was a filmmaker.. I would be making a movie on them... I already think I got a subject for my next poem... When I speak to a child about cricket.. I do not want to speak to him about the tendulkars... But Reetinder Singh Sodhi or a Laxmi Ratan Shukla... Who knows where they are now... Do you even remember them... I do...

But yes... Here I am... 25 years old... Much too late now to walk on that road... Nearing some crossroads which I myself has layed down... Infact I don't even still know which way is it.... Which road is the one... How will it end... How will it happen along the way... I am ready... Life here I come... Completely aware that in real life.. there will be no inspiring background song or instrumental... No amazing dialogues.. No picture perfect scenes... There will be real sweat... Lots of frustration and desperations and anger... slip ups and falls.... near misses... Still need to walk... Completely aware that in real life... Except maybe an amazing feeling here and there... There might not always be a fairy tale ending... But still feeling great about justifying my own life...

Chak De... LIFE!!!

Mom, please don't leave me

Yes... From the title you can make out... This is every child's nightmare... Something that as a child will never understand... All he knows is something terrible is happening... The first day of the school... Little does he know that this would carry on for the next 15 years...

All I remember is I was crying the whole time I was in the class.. I remember my teacher but not her name... Then inbetween my mom came in the class... Not sure for what... might be for some formalities... I cried out "Ammay"... I was all tears... She looked at me and then after some conversation with the teacher she left... I did not understand why... and I cried... there were so many who, like me, were crying... all around me... and when the bell rang and somehow... some instinct told me to go and run out... I still remember how happy I was to see my mom waiting for me... I ran into her arms and she took me... I might have kissed her or maybe she might have kissed me... I do not remember but I remember the feeling of releif while I was running towards her... when i saw her... phew...

Then there was a day when I had to write my name... and I copied what my classmate was writing.. and I wrote "My Name is Rupesh"... and how angry my mom was... She hit me with the kadabol(malayalam for the ladle that we using while mixing butter milk)...

As a child I remember... going to some family friends home... and they did not offer anything to eat... My mom had told them that we do not eat any biscuits (which was true)... I waited for some time and then I declared that I am hungry and please give me something to eat... They gave us Marie and Nice biscuits... I gobbled down everything... Had tea/coffee whatever liquid beverage they gave me... all the while my mom getting so embarrased... And then after finishing my tea... I said "now that we have eaten everything, let's go"... We did come out from there... My mom was fuming with anger... We were supposed to visit some other friends also... That one was cancelled... I still remember reaching home.. and running around the home trying to evade my mom... who had a Kadabol in her hand... Finally she did get to me and I had a nice beating of my life... From then I still think twice before I touch the food in the tray while visiting others...

Back to school... The day of Class Photo... I still remember I was sitting down in the front row... WIth out much place and was not comfortable... Then when my mom came to pick me up... How excited was I to tell her of my adventure... How I sat for my photo... I still remember... I was holding her hand... Telling excitedly how we were in line... Then suddenly.. right on the road I left her hand to show how I sat for the photo... Right there in the middle of the road... My mom getting so tensed she just pulled me up... Yes but then I was thinking what happened... Why does she not want to hear what happened... hahha.. Right in the middle of the road...

Mom... there were so many times and to so many people have you told these stories to... They are all so well etched in our memories... in our lives... I cannot even think of my life without you... But as they say.. The day is nearing... This bird will have to leave the nest... Chintu... Everyday I see you I feel guilty... Not because of my love for Chitu... But because you do not know that is going to happen... Ammay... Please... Wish you understand one day.... I love you so much and that I just have to do what I am going to do... and there are days when I think about the day when I will have to leave you and how I keep reminding myself to be strong enough... Ammay.. please don't leave me... Please don't.... Ammmay!!!

My Earliest Memories

It was some 2 weeks back when I had that thought that I should write some memories of my childhood... Some compilation of memories... Whatever I remember... Not all that was a reason for me becoming what I am right now... But all that happened along the way... My bro beat me to it... that very same day he had started writing about childhood memories and I drifted from that subject

It's been 25 years on the road... A small milestone perhaps... Every man has a child inside them... I believe every human has a child inside them.... Really... The child only seeks for glory while grown ups get lost in the search for beauty... So I just thought that I should right down all my memories/sights on this journey of 25 years... It would be continued in series... and who knows... Just in case I marry my lady and I am not alive to tell stories to my child (something I dream about, me telling my childhood/adolescent stories to my child on a lazy afternoon or perhaps in the night or while travelling somewhere) ;-)... And I would like to keep reading and re-living them anyways and start a new one when I reach my 50...

This is my attempt to keep the child in me alive...

My earliest memory is me anxiously waiting for my bro... I was maybe 3-4 years old and he was in 1st... Me waiting in the verandah of the Master Building, chawl, where it all began... Then I would see him at a distance walking through the fields (i don't remember who picked him up)... Then he would come and he would take me double seat in the red tri-cycle... We would race with our neighbours Ranju and Rajeev... I don't remember the result but my bro says that we always lost...

I also remember... Every day early in the morning... when my mom would take us both to the fields to scrap... and me being scared of some snake coming me and biting me while doing the deed...
Watching Ranju and Rajeev's colour TV, from outside, some vague and really faded memories of Omena CHechi, Menon Mama, Soni Chechi and playing in the terrace... Me playing in the verandah... Wondering when will i grow tall enough to look into the well...

Yes! How can I forget Giant Robot... in our Black & white EC TV... All the neighbours of the chawl would come to watch it... Even Omena chechi... This one strikes out because... There was one Gujarati Lady who would bring me 1 chapati at that time and I would eat it while watching this great Serial... Maybe that explains why I still love and prefer North Indian food (especially chapathi and subzi)...

Well.. But all this was about to change.. The tadpole was about to get a glimpse of what lies outside the well...

To see it all

You know what... I am sitting here right now and have no idea whatsoever I am going to write... I never consider myself as one who wants to win the rat race or anything...The 5 days a week of wearing a mask really gets into me sometimes...

I just want to walk on this road we all call life and enjoy... One of the reasons we all want to get out and hit the road is so that we can all go and see the beauty of the world... Or maybe so that we can make it more beautiful... Or more importantly to make it all an experience...

Yes... I want to walk on this road...

Taking in the smell coming out of the flowers from the garden that i cross...

Tumble on the stone and fall down...

Dust myself and get up..

I want to walk on this road alone...

Also with my companion for life at times..

And with my lady so bright whenever she can...

I want to walk on this road...

Stop inbetween and see the beauty of the sunset...

Sit and gaze at the stars glitterring in the darkness of the night...

Waiting for the sunrise...

I want to walk on this road...

To reach at a crossroad and then decide...

Choose one of the road...

Go till the end...

Maybe come back inbetween if it was wrong, if possible...

And start all over again...

I want to walk on this road...

So that I meet others on their way...

Speak to them, Share with them...

And move ahead and they too move on...

I want to walk on this road...

In such a way that...

When I make it to the end...

And look back...

I see my footprints...

Thank myself for not having ever stopped the walking...

And rejoice that every step was worth taking...

As i said... I wrote as the words would come... this I willl add as one of my poem... I know it is not that good... But the words just came out and i well feel nice... You know this is the kind of stuff that actually makes the walking really easy...

For my great bro, a river resembles life and I chose road as life's symbol... He had written a great comparative poem on river and life... Well... maybe this one is my ode to the Road and life... He will certainly have many points to correct in this poem I know that... But somehow... for some reason... I never feel like re-writing anything.. I like them as it is... in it's most purest form ever.. from my heart through my fingers... To this screen... My life through my thoughts to my feelings... to these words...

The Magic is back

My mind/heart has been really active and maybe the most instable it has ever been... I have never driven it to such extremes of craziness... Too much thinking at time, maybe...

Yes.. if you read the blog right below this one... You see I had deceided my mind to do something really drastic... Hurting someone whom i love so much... and Maybe the only girl who can ever love me back...

The very next morning after I write the below blog she comes to my house... We all speak about those magical moments right... It happened in the most natural way... We were supposed to go to wonder la... an amusement park in B'lore... So she walks in the door... and then suddenly she shows me the clothes that she has packed.... asks me if what she is wearing currently is appropriate... I know it is a very common situation... But for something... A word which has the most number of meanings than even the unknown... Really... there she was doing all this... I had slept only for 2 hours... After all the thinking process... I saw the spark... the light that I always saw in her... in US... I could see her as my lovely wife who might be waiting for me to get up... my lovely wife who is watching TV sitting on the couch.. and the magic happened...

I was falling over in love all over again... with same person again... Ohh my.. That is something that i always used to preach whenever I used to speak about the long lasting love...

I showed her the below blog that I had written and how wrong was I... she had tears in her eyes... advising me not to get carried away with dreams and visions so much...

And then in wonder la or on the way to or from there... It was like... It was all back... The feeling.. the comfort... the care.. the coziness... the love... the magic...

Love you Chitu (that is what I call her).... always and all the ways... want to be with you always and all the ways...

So Chitu... Call it greedy although I call it selfishness... I want it all... I want you and also also the Great Little Warrior in me... It's been so long since I have kept him tied down inside... Never ready to face him... But the time is approaching and I need to start acting upon my thoughts...

The first act was to restarting this blog... and through it start a journey of self discovery through self questioning... But the time approaching to expand the deeds beyond this blog...

I will live my life to the fullest... I will devise some way where I can get the best out of both worlds... and as they say where there is love... there will always be hope... there always will be a will and then... there always will be a way...

Understanding SIDDHARTHA

Before anyone says anything... I am trying to say I understand why he did some of the things that he did... not how he attained enlightenment... although I do feel that each one of has the capability to do so...

Sometimes we need to ask what we love and what we hate... I hate my job... and I am thankful to the job and the fimr because I have experienced some luxuries but still...

Siddhartha left everything he once owned... on the most selfish pursuit ever... there was a time when I used to think that that should not be the way but well... He left his parents.. his wife and everyone he knew.... to find someone he never knew... Buddha... He found and attained Buddha...

It's been some volatility (fluctuations) in the financial market last 2 weeks and I have been working 14-16 hours eversince... Not complaining as I feel this is something that I as a professional has to do... But c'mon... It's been 5 years now... working... Work is important but it's time to do something else as well... something more...

Yes in today's world it is not possible to walk out of people's life like that... so I am in a dilemma... I was and am in love with the lady in my life but the magic is gone... My bro used to say that the magic can never be recreated and was so true.. Me and my love were separated... had a break up... for about 3 months... and then we got back together... But now we realize that we are not the same as we used to... the way I used to behave was so different... I do not wait for weekends so that I can see her now... she too has changed so much ever since... So different she is now...

And these 3 months were again a beginning of the journey to my heart inside... all these pent up dreams, feelings... As i look back on my life... I very well know that true love never comes in the way of attaining one's self... But maybe it had... for the last 5 years I have been working like crazy... I bought a house... Was all ready to get married, have children... Maybe, if good health and fortune permits, walk the road of live together with my lady so bright.... All that is good and would be amazing... But these 3 months of solitude and the internal brainstorming makes me feel that is not what I am...

Not to emulate Siddhartha... He just went out in the darkness of the night... Just like that... But I cannot to do that... There is so much I want to do... So much... So that when I think it is time to WALK OVER my job.... I can just do it... When I have accumulated wealth good enough for me... When i find that one satisfying small deed(which I already have a small idea about)... I can just go ahead and do it...

I know I will hurt the person whom i have loved so much,.. But i think I need to go with it...

What is life

What is life?... Sitting in the front of a computer and thinking if I could do anything wrong... yup sure ;-)

I mean seriously... We all have a question "Why are we here?" and believe me or not.. as simple as it sounds it is one of the most difficult question we all have to answer...

When we were all children... Life was when we would wake up and cry about going to school... Or doing all the naughty stuff when the teacher is writing something on the board... Then Ahh... there is recess so we can pull out our tiffins and munch everything up as if was our last meal... then the last bell for the day... rush to our homes... in the evening maybe go out and play... have dinner and sleep... and go where dreams happen... And now... We mostly know what we are going to do... We wake up and go to office (a few times not so enthusiastically)... We keep craking jokes inbetween... Try to keep the volume low when the superiors are around... Ahh.. the dinner or snacks break... But well bring them to the desk and eat as you reply to a mail... then some time of the day we go home... rush back to loneliness or to your family... and sleep... and go where dreams happen...

Sometimes I wonder... If i we are grown ups... Are we? Are we all always in a school called Life and apparently the teacher too is Life... ha... And the irony is that We are nothing else but Life... Now I understand the meaning of the Zen quote "When the Student is ready, the Master will appear by himself"...

I read "Short History of Almost Everything" by Bill Bryson... I would refer everyone to read it... Would actually have it as a must in schools.... It although did not answer what Life is but it did say... and that is there is no great reason... All Life wants is to just happen... Just go along with it and more often that not it will take care of itself... Experiencing life as it happens... and sometimes being the reason for it to happen...

As I stand back and see my childhood and on the first phase of adulthood... I belive therein lies the difference... Experiencing and Analysing...

So my Dear Sir Life... Here at 2:39 a.m. sitting in front of this Computer... I vow to you... to take everything as it comes... to experience joy as is and do not wonder if it would stay... to take in sorrow as is and do not wonder how long it would stay... So.. Here I am all about to begin a journey with more zest and some refreshened attitude... Yes... rediscovering myself would be more fun this way... Yes... I might never find the answer to "What is life" but atleast I can ensure that the Search was more fun...

I am Back

It's been sometime since I wrote something at all on this blog. Infact, I also stopped writing poems after I reached 51 poems. Not a milestone I am very proud of. It's been sometime since I have been thinking of writing some thing... and more often than not the words have dried up...

The words have all dried up but not the thoughts... Thoughts of a wonderful creative club.. of volunteerring at an orphanage... of owning my pet dog... doing something to make this journey pleasant... In midst of all the work and all the tempations of this world I think I have lost myself... So here I am to regain and rediscover myself.. and enjoy the joy ever so again... That is the wonderness of this life... You keep rediscovering and rediscopvering yourself...

There I was... the most silent, serious and lonest person in the college... sitting below the pillar... and here I am... Funniest (i believe so) guy in the office... loud and irritating... But again.. not happy with this... I feel like running away from all this... from all the people I now know... from the place where I work... Just take my bag... some monies... and then walk out... from 1 town to another... wherever the bus goes... wherever the road leads me to... I like that existence.. Away from all the planning and care (worry)... Near to the nature so that I have time to appreciate the sun... the birds... their voice which now irritates me...

Meet newer faces... and with them meet newer faces of ME...

Not sure if this makes any sense for a reader who passes by... My non-existenatialist life as it is... When I look back at the last 2 years and think about life this is what stands out... My Lady ohh Bright's 28th B'day... the way I arranged the gifts for her in my bedroom... The flowers spread across the floor.. and yes of course her face, her expression and her hug... My brother and me whenever we are together... Buying my own home... Amazing... 2 years of life in 2 lines... Can it be more incomplete and disatisfying?...

So here I am.. Back... so that can start discovering life... some meaning... or atleast some ways to give it a meaning... and getting more out of it...

My Continuos Trip within

Just went to my heart,
Switching from one vehicle to another,
Never find the right one,
Looking at the boards out there,
Never getting the correct way.

Been to the magical world,
A world which is not beyond anyone's reality,
Through the tunnel of dreams,
But just to stop,
When I see that the bridge of hope,
Is broken.

Now back to where I had started,
But every journey as new as previous one,
Never reaching the end,
Will I ever reach the end of atleast one trip,
Or is it that I have to keep starting over and over again?

Where am I?

Its been a long time since,

I typed out a poem,

I thought about life,

And all its philosophies,

I tried motivating someone,

Expressing the best in me,

Or the real me,

Played Cricket,

Or even watching it with the passion I used to,

Taking a walk all alone,

Listening to music at the same time,

Going to places full of greenery,

Talking to my brother,

Staying together with my sweety all alone,

In the little house,

Eating Ice-cream with Chintu,

Or preparing tea for her and drinking it together,

Speaking about dreams,

Dreaming more.

Maybe, its been some time,

Since I listened to my heart,

Tired of wearing the masks,

To be good enough to make a living,

Hiding so many thoughts,

As others do not think of them nothing more than words,

Now typing my frustration out,

Will I ever know where I want to be,

Will I ever know if I will get there.

Will I ever get the answers,

Here in my words?

What is my Dharma?

This is from my bro's blog

What is my Dharma?

If the dharma of fire is to burn

And, that of water is to flow…

Then, as such, what is mine?

How Can You Forget Our LOVE

To Sweety... The most wonderful person I have ever met... The greatest girl I have met...

Your tears,
They felt like spears,
Hurt me more than anything else.

As I heard you say,
To go away,
Make a place in a different heart,
But never asked what was in my heart.

I could see your eyes,
Could feel the water on my cheeks,
But could not do anything to make them stop,
Make you see that you are the only one.

How could you,
Not remember that you made me walk in the clouds,
How could you,Forget the little house,
So many moments,
And promises to make it to the end.

How can I ever see in someone else the light,
That you have in you,
My lady so bright!!
Why do you think,
All our dreams could go with a blink.

We both know the truth,
That we are too good,
Only when together.

Together,
So lets go to that dream again,
Me standing with arms widespread,
Music coming from the mandolin,
With all our love,
With all our dreams,
Waiting,
For you to come running,
And feel the magic all over again,
Come.. Fall in Love… Again…

My Quote on Determination, My motto in Life

With legs, you can only walk.With determination, you can and you will fly...

Determination

What is it that made a scientist carry on even after 999 unsuccesful attempts to invent the bulb?What is it that made Alexander the great chase his stupid dream of conquering the whole world?Nothing but determination.Even today you have great people like an actor who rose from a being a simple television actor to become the king of the Khans, a cricketeer who was criticised as a proven failure, and is still being criticised... and he is our national cricket captain and the most successful at that?Not just, everyone is a hero in their own way... the man you met on the road... your teacher... your parents... because they have all survived the tests of times... to survive here means to struggle every day... and emerge as the victor at the end of the day... and to do this too... it takes determination...All I have is the grit and the determination to extend myself from this body of mine to the external world, the real world of real men...

Memories of love on my road, Memories of you

Yesterday when Avik told me he had heard about me from you... I just went down the memory lane... Everything that happened just ran through in front of my eyes... Like a movie... Got nostalgic... Got emotional... Did not go for a baseball game... Had already paid $8 for the ticket... Yet...

I thought of you so much... Much more than I ever thought about you the entire last year...

Saw the saturdays and sundays when you used to come to office... and people would call out "Hye CG"... And I would steal a sight or two... Saw us walking down the Wind Tunnel road... Saw us speaking on the terrace... Saw Last Samurai again... Saw the VRL Volvo bus again...

The first time I got introduced to you... We were just like Hye and bye... Never Met you again after that... Till my shift and team changed... Again after 2 couple of months had to go by for me to realise that after passing through the same every day as you I missed one of the most wonderful woman... one of the most beautiful girl... And it was almost too late right...

Saw us dance at Speedzone... Yes.... there were people... But then after that in the Cab.... When I was giving you all the philosophy about love... When I got down at my stop.. and the Cab went ahead... That was the night... I went to Navino and I said I really like this girl... Did not tell the truth...

I saw myself patting your head everytime after lunch... That too when you would turn the glass to drink... Hahaha... It was fun to irritate you like that...

Hye remember... this day... I do... there was no Jeni and Jani Seth... Only we two were there... for lunch.. and Just when you were about to speak about your crush.. Deepti and Jyothsna joined... I felt like telling them to get lost...

But... I wanted to gift you a jacket... You said no... I wanted to gift you my love... Knew you would say no... Out of the context here... but just came...

Then I gifted something to Us... Yes... I arranged for the lunch at Shishu mandir... It was your greatest desire... And I wanted to play a part in it... I also saw you enjoying every moment of it... I never expressed my love for you till then... Did not Know when... Did not know if I ever would... But then seeing you there... Picturising us... I told you right after we came from then... You did not believe me...

Loved you so much... Knew that I will miss you... loved you so much... In such a way... that... In love... For the first time I cried... For the first I experienced pain... Never showed you that... Never could...

Then there was a day... When I went to buy some books asa gift for you... I bought the books for you... Then I bought books for me... And I went and sat at M.G. Road... Listening to my walkman... Looking at the road ahead... Looking at life... Thought about you... That night I went back and penned down 5 poems back to back... Never thought I would sweat writing something... Never though I would sleep so well that day... Pretty amazing when they were the first poems I wrote.. Never thought I could ever write like my bro... You helped me... It was like I developed a circle behind my head that day... Thanks... You helped me...

The penultimate night... We went for dinner... We saw Last Samurai... In the interval I brough Coffee for you... Everytime that silent romance used happen on screen... I looked at you... You were looking at the screen...

Then I dropped you till home... You did not go inside till I had gone out of the vision... That walk to my home... Through the spooky Wind Tunnel road... I did not even get scared... Maybe becuase I was full of love...

On the last day... I surprised you by ringing the bell of your door early in the morning... You were not even freshened up... Your roomies were "Oh no!"... Your customized, personal and entertaining Coolie was at your service...

We returned the Gas cylinder.. I still have your stove... Momento of my love ha... We sold some items... You bought a Dairy for me...

Then again on Wind Tunnel road I asked you... Remember the song "Sunona Sunona" from Chalte Chalte... And you said "Yes" and then you said "Abhinesh"... On the way back from ATM... You said you are going to change once you reach Mumbai... and I thought you were speaking of the clothing...

That evening I cried on your terrace... You had gone to change to your home... I looked at the sunset... never saw it so blurred... Never thought it would take something away with it...

In the city cab enroute to the bus stand... So crammed and You had to adjust because of an extra person... your leg hurt... I felt so guilty...

The Bus came on time... Just when I prayed to god to delay it... There was no time... No time for me to say for the last time "I Love You... ".... I could not let your hand off... I kept looking at it as it went out... of vision... I could not do anything... Maybe I should have come with you...

Wish you never say "Only if I had”...

Go... Fly...

LOVE ACTUALLY

Watched a movie Love Actually... Of course it doesn't come across as an instant classic or anything like that... But must say that it is one of the best movies I have ever seen.. Oh my god so many love stories in one film... It drags till the last... But the last 20 minutes of the movie is really too good... You can actually feel that love is all there is.. There is a Dad who helps his 7-8 year old son in finding love.. then the UK Prime Ministers tale of love... a tale of friendship between a Rock star and his manager... and the one that beats everything... an Englishman who fells in love with a woman who does not understand English... just see... the way it all is shown... And in the end, we all really are revitalised... Sure to show the beauty of the world around you... Its true... We will forget that there are and were wars on this beautiful planet... A must see... And to end it all "Because if you see hard enough you will find love actually is all around...

My Sights of love... In a nutshell...

There are often days when I remember you...

Remember the times when I used to stand below the pillar outside the canteen... looking at you... wow... you were then the love of my life... never thought would be able to ever love again... don't know if you will ever read this... hope you do... You were the only thing worthwhile then in our college (Vartak , Vasai)... You will be walking with Ramitha and Vini.. your best friends then... then also with your group... And I would be there standing all alone... Looking at you hoping you would look at me once... just once... me on the brink of self realization (still not completely over... but still somewhere inbetween the process)... I had written Love quotes for you... But never showed it to you... But yes, it all helped... all helped me get closer to Life and Love... Thanks a lot for all the wonderful moments and sights of love... Thanks for just being what you are... To finish off... There you are, as far as always... There love was, in my heart as always... Do you even remember me???

Remember the times when we used to have great conversations... something which I used to look forward to everyday... And then those Computer Pracs... Don't know what it meant for you but it will always hold a special place in my memories... You were just the greatest girl I had ever met... And I fell in love with you... To think all this happened after you said that you were engaged... You were the first outsider to have read my diary of love quotes... Do you still remember the Pepsi we had at Vasai Station??? Little moments... Big Difference...

Remember the Lunches we used to have... With little Jeni and Jani... Ohh!!... I miss you the most... Accompanying you till your house... Talking in your terrace... And then going to Shishu Mandir with you... What a great experience it was!!! You too know that was one of your happiest days right... But then just to see you play with the babies there... and then when we were having lunch with those kids... I fell short of words to describe the feeling in my heart then.. Also I still have the ticket of our first film together... The Last Samurai... The silent love story in that... very much like ours... And then the last time I held your hand when you were leaving me for once and ever.. .Ever thought of me.. Did you ever love someone as I loved you... Thanks... You helped in being the poet that I am...

After all this I met life.. the Lady oh So bright... Someone who loved me back... Almost exactly the way I love you... And I am grateful to have met you... Love you so much... Just can't stop loving you... So good that true love is letting go... And now there is an entire lifetime for me to love you as much as I can... Looking forward to meeting you everyday... making you feel good... making you relaxed... making you laugh... surprising you... making love to you... making you comfortable... Love you the most...

Intro

Well... I am the Great Little Warrior... Many of you have seen me... known me... but never understood me... has walked alongside me... but never with me... as someone who has currently decided to keep all my dreams to myself... lessons in this wonderful road that is my life... interesting ha... the road, the journey, the traveller... all are LIFE in different dimensions... yes... in this blog i will be communicating to you my dreams... my thoughts... experiences... I am just like any one of you... working in an MNC... drawing a nice salary... has a nice career going... but in the end when i am all alone... i just ask if this is what i am here for... looking for an answer which I know is NO... but still... may be there is something more to it... something more to me... something more to life... That is all for this one... Sure will be a great one to look at this after some years.. It will be a summary of life for sure... Love all...