My Love, Spirituality and Shahrukh Khan connection

I have written about my love in previous posts as well. I am touching them again here but with a slightly different note. It might be slightly cheesy for the unromantic, for the ones who find it to superflous or idiotic to be rules by the heart in this way. But what to do... I would always choose to be a man of hearts rather than the brain.

I have always been more matured for my age while growing up. I remember as child, being attracted to the girl who used to dance on stage during Christmas celebrations or the one who used to fill water from the same public tap as I. I have always been open to love, for love. I have walked the road of life with a lot of love in my heart, paving the way for spirituality and then there was always, Shahrukh Khan's (SRK) songs in the background.

Thank you for all the wonderful and beautiful moments and sights of love. You have unintentionally helped me in understanding love, life and I much more than before. The year that I turned 16 is an important turning point of my life. It was the time when I was first touched by true love. I don't believe that true love needs to be always reciprocated. It never happened to me for some time. For other reasons which I remember, I had alienated myself from the crowd into a recluse. But through it all, my love for V was going strong. It was kind of obsessive and very intense. But still very school boyish and immatured. I would see daydreams with her. So there I was, looking at her from the canteen (with about 200 mts separating us) and then looking at the building behind her (which was my college), looking at the other kids and aha… the first step towards spirituality… a philosophic enquiry. Sitting all by myself questions sprang up, one after the other and another voice answering them, not in a assured manner and sometimes questions met with silence. Maybe, I can say I was alone but not lonely. Or the word is solitude. A fire was lit… and it still burns.
So the SRK connection… If I ever have to draw a roadmap of my love life, I can always mark some destinations with an SRK song or movie. At this stage of my love. That was the time when I started loving SRK and his movies. His movie songs like “Tu hain meri Kiran” (You are mine, Kiran) from Darr which expressed the obsessive nature of love or another epitome of music for the unrequited love “Ae Kash Ke Hum Hosh Mein Ab Aane nap aye”(I wish I never wake up now) from Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa or a song describing realization of love “Ho Gaya hain tujhko to Pyaar Sajna” (You are in love) from DDLJ. I used to listen to the same songs everyday in the same order while getting ready to college. SRK, loved you for the movies you used to do then and the man you were then. How I wish if you would remember what you were now?

I loved you so much that I do not hope anything from you. Then, the final year of college. The great little warrior was somewhat more assured and strong. Was no longer the puzzled, cynical and angry boy of before. With lot of love for V and still open to love. Then one fine morning, while standing with my group of 3 friends and collegemates, she calls me. She is none other than R, the greatest girl I had met till then(as I realized later). She called me to inform me that she is getting engaged. I still have no idea what prompted her to tell me that. I have never been close to anyone during my 4 years in college (except for 3 friends) and certainly not her. And she had been going around with another guy for about 2 years. Back to the moment, there she was telling me that she is getting engaged (not to the guy she is in love with) . Then that was just the start of a hour long conversation. Wow, that was the beginning of one of the most wonderful relationships I ever was to have with a girl. After that, there were so many more meetings, computer pracs, walking around in college. Ahh, the intelligent and soul-stirring conversations with a rare and genuine girl. I knew that I never stood a chance, but I never looked for it. R was the first one who read my book of love quotes. R helped me in opening up to the other people around me. I mean, the quietest guy in the college was busy playing an active role in the B’Day party of a professor. And the graceful way she accepted my handwritten greeting card and how she appreciated me. How can I ever forget that? How can I ever forget the great girl who helped me to grow more open to the world around me? How can I?
SRK connection… That was the year when Mohabattein released. Now when I look back, the story is nonsensical and stupid. But back then, I loved it. I loved the songs. But more importantly, something that I still love about the movie is the concept of love that was shown. I mean the way you should love without any expectations no hope and no conditions. That was exactly the dimension of love I was experiencing. And then as a matter of coincidence, to see something like that in Silverscreen.

I never did anything for love but did everything in love. I loved you so much that I miss you and I felt pain. After about 1 year of starting my work life, I came across CG. I still remember the first time I was introduced to her. Did not even remember her until a chance of life had my entire team moving to a new temporary office set up and we would be seated closeby. Then those lunches together with Jeni. Then working on weekends. Then gradual and slow start of a close friendship. Speaking about dreams, Mumbai, plastic “hi” and all that. Then going to the orphanage together. You calling out my love as nothing but just a fashion to have a girlfriend when I confessed my love to you (ohh, that hurt the most). Then me playing Santa Claus by giving you Robbie Williams CD or some meaningful gift you would like. Then your decision to go back to Mumbai. I still remember coming with you to your church and tears in my eyes during the sermon. Awesome walk through the WTR Road and then me going back home alone in the eerie dark road again. Never felt spooked or haunted though. Moments spent talking in the terrace. The sun setting on the evening you were leaving, the bus which you boarded to Mumbai, the last and only time I ever held your hand. I still remember staring at the back of the bus and feeling a lump in my throat. Maybe, I should have taken that last trip with you to Mumbai and come back, a road trip for a lifetime of memories. Memories, in the end that is all we will ever have. During all this, great little warrior used to put in his walkman headphones on the years and walk MG Road. Once sitting there, observing life as is. Then one night coming back and writing 5 poems, one after the other. Phew, what was that? You were not the reason but you certainly helped me.
SRK connection… This longing feeling to be with the one you love and to do anything and everything in love. So what if it never will be receiprocated, atleast I gave my love a chance! So what if I am hurt now, this will be reasons for a smile for many years hence! And all this in the first half of a not so successful movie named “Chalte Chalte”. What do I say more? But yeah, this movie still reminds me of this phase. I was there with her on her last day in Bangalore, walking, talking and with a song "Sunona, Suno na, Humsafar Mujhi ko chun lo naa" as the theme.
Ohh! My Lady so Bright!! As I was about to close my heart to love, was getting resigned to fate that love will never happen to me and just when I had enough of Bangalore , she came. I still remember seeing her once before (many months before) in the cafeteria, sitting all alone and something had struck me then. But I had choosen to ignore it. Fell in love with CG too after that. Then during one of offsite training, I met my Lady So Bright again. Everytime I tried to guard myself from getting close to her, she would break open the door and barge in. She came, we saw and I got conquered. Those naughty antics, those innocent lies, so full of life and energy. Taking me ( a villager ;-0)to show what a Pub is, walking and running around in the garden, the first girl who told me that she too loves me, the first girl who told me to hold her hand, the first girl that I made love with... Poems coming out like a stream. Love was changing me for the better. I was so open to many other things, people who were so different to me. All my life, I never had an ideal girl but never thought I would fall in love who would be so naughty, so cunning but in a innocent way, so feeble yet more stronger than I thought I knew her to be. Love every moment of this roller coaster life, love so much that you are the one to travel along side with. Want to make you laugh, make you feel good, feel relaxed, smile, celebrate, make love to you, all my life.
SRK connection... As was the thing, my love certainly made me the happiest but was a cause of great sorrrow for the people closest to me. At the same time, SRK's movie "Veer Zaara" happened and with it came some great songs with it. Some lines like "Naadan hain woh, kehte hain joh, Mere liye tum ho gair"(They are naive, who tell me that you are not the one for me). Also, what about "Yeh Hawaa Kyun Gaa rahi hain", the song which I kept playing it while on return flight from NY in 2005 after a 3 month stay.

So there it is. My love life in connection to spirituality and SRK. There are many ways on this so called road of spirituality. So far I have somehow chanced upon the way of love... and as it is, the way of love is filled with so much romance and music and fun. Loved the journey so far, looking forward to what lies ahead.

And yeah, recent SRK's movies are really bad (and he is so pretentious than before) but my love is still going great. Thanks to all the girls whom I loved and the only one who could love me back. My spirituality... ohh that wonderful search... It is still on... I know I am walking, but will I reach the end or maybe it is all about the journey... Will I ever find an answer or what if it has never been about the answers? Ahh, who knows...